When Plans Change

Hi Sweet Friends and Family!  It's me, Carrie, finally writing a post again.  I know it has been several days since I have written anything and I am so thankful that Kevin did such a great job keeping ya'll informed on how to pray and on Grace's progress while we were in the hospital. For those of you who know me, it's not really like me to remain so quiet and so you might be wondering what happened to keep me so quiet and so I wanted to explain my silence, besides the obvious fact that I have been spending a lot of time caring for Grace and her needs.

When Dr. Swift told me several weeks ago that this surgery would be Grace's hardest to date, described the details in great length of what he thought he would do in the 10-12 hour surgery, and how he thought this would be a very long recovery for Grace (at least 2 months), I began to mentally and emotionally prepare myself and our family for what was ahead of us.  For the next several weeks, I was in a state of nonstop movement getting every detail ready, so that we would be ready for whatever happened.  Although, I did spend a lot of time praying, reading my Bible and mediating on His word, much of my day was spent checking off "the list".  By the morning of surgery, I believed that I was completely prepared for whatever God had in store for us that day.  Looking back on that, how truly crazy is that to think that I could have been ready for all that Dr. Swift had warned us of!  I had convinced myself that I could prepare myself for this...Ha! I truly believed there was nothing that I wasn't prepared for.  How prideful I had become!  Looking back on last week, I would have thought a fractured elbow and someone rear ending me would have knocked some sense into me...that things are not in my control...but it didn't.... I can't tell you how shocked I was when Dr. Swift came out hours before we expected him to and told us he was finished.  I remember thinking in my head, "wait a second, something can't be right, he is finished way too early...." As he called us over to talk to us privately, he began to tell us about the surgery and tell us that once he opened her up, he found something new, something he hadn't anticipated, and that he had decided to operate on this area instead of the area that he intended to operate on (which would have been much riskier), all I could think of was, "No, wait....stop....it can't be, that isn't what you were supposed to do."   As I looked around the waiting room and saw all eyes on Kevin and me, everyone seemed so excited and relieved and so I smiled...yet inside I was falling apart as I began to internalize all of my emotions and I began to allow my worry of the "what ifs" to rob me of the joy that God had intended for us in the here and now.  How could I have missed the blessings?

Throughout the next 24 hours, as Grace was in horrible pain and couldn't sleep, I began having thoughts shouting in my head over and over again, "What if this area that Dr. Swift decided not to operate on needs to be fixed and it didn't get fixed....how soon will it be until Grace will need surgery again?....How can she go through this again?....She is in so much pain....God, what are you doing?"  Instead of being able to rest in the comfort that God was in control and that He had planned the day for us long ago, I continued to unravel as I tried to humanly gain control of the situation, by reading scripture and trying to understand what God could be up to, meticulously taking care of Grace, and ordering around everyone and everything in sight of me.  

Thankfully, we have an incredible support system that came around us and loved us so well in those first 48 hours.  There were several faithful believers that I was able to share my fears with over the next several days as I honestly struggled with questions to them about my panic and whether it was being caused from plans changing or fear of the unknown of what could be ahead for Grace.  One very wise friend put it beautifully as she said to me, "You must let go and release it to God."  There was such freedom in hearing that.  I had been searching scripture, talking a lot at God, and trying to find an answer...yet it wasn't about me doing anything but just being still and letting God be God.  

Over the course of the past 17 years, I have had many times in my life that plans have changed.  Just when I get settled in and think things in life are going to be just perfect, that I have it all figured out, I am faced with a different set of plans.  What I have learned is that God always has a better plan for my life than I do and He loves me so much and wants what is best for me and my family.  Sometimes I don't know why things are happening, but He does and I can trust in that. (Jeremiah 29:11)  I am thankful that I know and love a Saviour like that and one who loves me in spite of my consistent failures.  

So, now I have another time in my life where I thought I had the road map all planned out and things got rerouted once again, but I am confident that God is in control and this will be a better plan for our life, if only I will trust Him and let Him lead.  Please pray with me that I will allow Him to lead my life and that I will trust in His perfect plan for our lives.  (Prov 3:5-6) None of us know what our future holds and trying to control our daily lives doesn't help keep our children safer.  I have no idea whether or not Grace will require another surgery but I don't want that fear of the unknown to rob me of the blessings God has for us for today.  Please pray that I will not fear for Grace's future but will rejoice in the gift of today.  

I am so thankful for friends who love me despite of my many weaknesses, who pick me up when I can't stand any longer, and who are willing to stand in the gap and pray for us when I can no longer stand anymore.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus,

Carrie 

 

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; 

If one falls down, His friends can help him up. 

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,

Two can defend themselves,

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12